It’s too late for these people, they’ve already died. Let me go first.

Name?

Glenda! It’s me! Trevor. Second Monday of every month, I come for my drug test.

I... am a psychiatric outpatient!

Last name?

Hasn’t changed in the last six months.

If you don’t tell me your last name, I can’t enter it into the computer. If I don’t enter it into the computer, you won’t be assigned a case number. If you aren’t assigned a case number --

I’ll turn into one of them?

They told me their last names. They have case numbers. They are all ahead of you.

Okay, I see the problem. Clearly, your riding crop has become painfully lodged in --

What’s that for?

Proof of your rudeness and bad behavior.

Send help. This woman is the reincarnation of Heinrich Himmler.

Shut up! You don’t go "Woo-woo" when I ask, so the hell with you.

OUCH!

Do we have to go through this every time?

At least scrape the rust off the needle.

We went out again the other night.

Dinner. Movie. Music. It was nice.

Helpful hint: this time when you jab the needle in, stop before it comes out the other side.

Then, back to my place. Always my place.

All done. See you next month.

Or... what if he’s not a bachelor?

You’re worried he’s got another squeeze?

He forgets to call, starts playing his fiddle when we’re talking, won’t plan weekends -- and there’s that sacred Thursday night poker game.

So, basically, what you’re saying is that he’s undomesticated?

It’s like he’s got a split personality.

So, why are you still with him?

Because one of the personalities is really sweet: my windshield is clear every morning, Hershey’s Kisses in my centrifuge, fresh strawberries in my urinalysis kit...

Okay, you don’t eat that right?

And every couple days, he sends me a postcard of a Van Gogh painting.

You like crazy, one-eared Mr. Swirly?

All these little surprises that say "I love you. I’m thinking of you."

So, to recap, he’s perfect except for the fiddle and the card game.

You’re right. I shouldn’t worry. Next thing you know, I’ll be believing the rumors about these "Cupid Cops."

I’m sorry... Cupid what?

You know, the Love Narcs who make sure nobody rips off a quickie in the supply room.

That’s... that’s... against the laws of nature.

Should I be insulted that you’ve removed the name of your patient?

Doctor, patient privilege.

Does not apply here, Claire. I’m your supervising physician.

You’re also the Administrative Head.

Now, don’t get mean.

I wouldn’t usually bother you with this, but it’s important you see how company policy has an adverse emotional effect.

He’s an employee of the hospital?

Page three, line seven, I ask him about that relationship.

I’m not certain why...

... You feel such guilt.

I’m supposed to enforce this policy of discouraging romance in the workplace and yet I have romantic feelings myself.

He’s caught between his job and his emotions...

It’s a good policy, Claire. It’s designed to crack down on sexual harassment.

The hospital was slapped with a three million dollar lawsuit and now we’re over-reacting.

How about we talk about your patient and not about hospital policy?

Fine. Page eight, line seven...

... In the Dunking Booth at the hospital carnival last August, she dunked me three times. She was just so vivacious. So funny. So energetic. It was this Shakespearean moment -- love at first sight.

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping so I drive by her house early in the morning. Clear the ice off her windshield, dig out the snowdrifts...

It’s not abnormal to be preoccupied in the early days of a relationship.

Good advice. Why do you need me?

I don’t want to advise an employee to defy company policy.

Next page, line six.

I’m afraid that...

... The Cupid Cops will catch us and one of us will lose our job.

You believe in the Cupid Cops?

Believe in them? Yeah. I’m one of them.

being ripped apart by a secret policy that’s effectively hired him to ruin his own love life.

I’ll get back to you.

Champ Terrace for Lorna Bender.

In the basket.

Lorna Bender’s office.

Yes, I’ll give her the message.

I wonder if I might speak to Lorna personally?

Do you have an appointment?

I’m pretty sure, yes --

Yes?

The Milk of Magnesia people decided to go ethnic.

Ethnic. As in African-American?

I guess.

Tell Armando to make the calls.

And, uh... there’s one here now.

One what?

An ethnic man.

Is there an African-American gentleman standing there with you right now?

Yes.

Kiki, I’m coming out now. Don’t be there when I arrive.

I’m Lorna Bender. Is there anything I can do or say now to improve your opinion of us?

Us meaning "you people" or us, this agency?

This office is closed.

Have you heard about these Cupid Cops? Love Narcs? Romance Rats? Snuggle Snoops? Kiss Catchers?

Rumors, Trevor.

Dr. Allen? There’s a woman here with a complaint about one of your patients.

Let us review ideal places to meet your soul-mate. One: WORK!

You can’t be the relationship expert in a hospital that bans relationships.

I’ll be with you in one moment...

Could we discuss this tomorrow?

I’ll drop by your place later.

Not tonight. I’m exhausted.

It’s not like you ever want to see me at the office.

I see you in the morning, I see you at night. I wouldn’t be surprised if you popped up in my dreams.

What’ll I be wearing?

It’s interfering with my work. Why don’t you let me call you for once?

I’ll sit by the phone, one hand on the receiver and the other on my --

Einsterzen Neubaten!

I’m sorry. Can I help you?

Oh no, thank you. I’m quite satisfied.

Sometimes I think you and I are the only sane people in this building.

Lorna Bender! I’ve been trying to scam my way in to see her for two years! Lorna Bender! She owns the best casting agency in town.

Ah, yes -- Bender, Over and Polk.

She represents only the A-list and she’s a fan of my work.

You mortals are so addicted to external validation.

Right, "us mortals." And all those animal sacrifices in the Temple of Eros?

Guy can never have too many sheep hearts...

Lorna says I exude authority.

Are you sure she didn’t say "nude minority"?

I know it’s hard for you to understand, but not everything’s about sex.

Hello?

Hi. Lorna.

Sure. That’d be great. What time?

I’ll be there. Okay. Bye.

She just asked me out. On a date.

Now, the closet door will be here --standard size. These red lines here indicate...

Mr. Cantos?

Call me Frank.

Frank? We’re over here.

CLAIRE

Just a plain, old room. Nothing special.

I’ve marked off --

It’s gonna take six weeks.

Six weeks?

The Hodgins said you were good and fast.

I put up a garage for the Hodgins.

And that’s easier than a closet?

You can use power tools for a garage.

You’re not going to use power tools?

What kind of doctor are you?

I’m a psychologist. Now, as I mentioned on the phone --

I’m sort of like a psychologist myself.

Like people, every room has a distinct personality.

Except for garages?

Exactly.

This is a good space. I’m going to help you unlock its potential.

Really? Because I thought you were going to build me a closet.

No, I’m going to make you happy.

A closet would make me happy.

And that’s what you’re gonna get.

Uh-oh, nothing’s quite as scary as Milton in the Morning.

I have some difficult news.

uh, inappropriate relations with Trevor Hale.

That’s not in context.

Why are the Human Resources guys here?

It’s a Human Resources issue.

I’m being fired?

Now, Claire --

Trevor, you’re late.

Now, Claire, a keg of Irish stout sprung a leak at Taggerty’s same time I got your call.

You managed to get a tap into it?

Well, that woulda been one way to deal with it.

You really think I would have a sexual relationship with this.

Of course I don’t.

Given the nature of the tape, we’re required to investigate your relationship with Mr. Hale.

We got caught because she hollers so loudly when we make love, right? Well, not to boast, but if you knew the specifics, you wouldn’t blame her.

Trevor --

Claire, you said we could stop hiding our love when --

Trevor --

Sweetie, this is such a relief! Now I can shout your name from the rooftops! My darling. My fertile crescent. My own private Idaho.

During the investigation, Mr. Hale will have to be reassigned to another therapist.

But -- but -- but --

I’m not going to pretend that a little vacation from Trevor wouldn’t be nice.

But -- but -- but --

While Trevor does his motorboat impression, maybe I can make a couple of suggestions.

I’ve already found a volunteer.

Oh, no, no, no.

Good morning.

Trevor, let me introduce Dr. Ian Frechette.

Dr. Straitjacket? Dr. Thorazine?

Tell them the truth, Claire!

I tried.

Okay, joke’s over, we’re not even friendly. It’s a strict no touching zone, we don’t even breathe the same air. Nothing to see here, folks, move along. Move along.

I have no doubt these allegations are false, Claire, but I am delighted to be helping you with Mr. Hale’s case.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I know. I know. I know.

I mean Tim’s ant farm. Could’ve infested the whole hospital.

Where were we?

Okay, whoa, time out. What if Tim comes back and catches us?

Oooo, would he cut off the supply of paperclips?

He’d report us in a heartbeat. He’s not a fun guy like me. He takes everything way too seriously.

He’s like an ant.

He can carry ten times his own body weight?

He’s all about regulations. Completely by the book. The man’s never missed a day’s work in his life.

What’s up?

Uh --

I came here to ask a question about my health benefits and Mr...?

Sell. Andrew Sell. Ms...?

Hollings. Maggie Hollings. Well, Mr. Sell and I started discussing movies.

Miss Hollings suggested that Brad Pitt’s Irish accent in --

"The Devil’s Own" was worse than --

Kevin Costner’s English accent in "Prince of Thieves."

What about Sean Connery as a Russian submarine commander?

Mr. Krepsulov, please inform the Kremlin that the imperialists running dog lackeys have retreated.

Well, I gotta --

My name’s Tim Delaune, by the way --

You weren’t coming onto her there, were you Tim?

I suppose it was your marksmanship that charmed Dr. Allen? Please sit down.

Very homey place, if you’re a Spartan.

I did agree not to alter Dr. Allen’s course of treatment, such as it is. Nevertheless, I am not Dr. Allen, Trevor.

Really? Because I know Claire Allen. I’ve worked with Claire Allen. And... Ian Frechette...

... you could pass.

Once again, please sit down.

So, you believe that for each couple you match up, you will win a bead?

And when you receive a hundred such beads, you will magically transport back to Olympus to resume your life of leisure.

Correct -- except there’s no magic. An invisible fiery chariot will simply pick me up at Division and Wacker.

I don’t think you understand, Trevor.

But if I don’t understand Trevor, who will?

I agreed to keep you off medication and off the psychiatric ward sheerlyout of professional courtesy. But if you don’t sit down, right now, in that chair, I will amend your treatment as I see fit.

We will begin by talking about your earliest memories --

I’m over three thousand-years-old. I hope you have a lot of time.

streamline the process. Electroshock comes to mind.

Welcome home from your date. You and Lorna Doone what I think you been doone?

We went out and had a nice time.

You do a killer "naive."

We barely talked about work.

So riddle me this, Bachelorman: would you have asked her out if she hadn’t asked you first?

No.

Because...

I wouldn’t want her to think I was using her to get work.

And you don’t think she’s capable of using work to get you?

She did insist on paying for dinner.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret asking this, but -- what the hell areyou doing?

Earning a bead. Trying to get home. That pizza we had delivered last night -- where’s the box?

The pizza I had delivered?

Details.

Dare I ask what it’s for?

If I can prove to this amazing nurse down at the hospital that her boyfriend isn’t married, that poker night isn’t code for poke-her night, she’ll commit to him. There’s my bead.

And you need a pizza box to do it?

Yep.

There you go. Save two more relationships.

Hey! You can’t go back there!

Just dropping off a sample, Frau Blucha, won’t be a minute.

Yeah, I’ve seen it before. First they’re afraid of needles, then they start to like it.

And by the way, I take blood. That you can keep.

It’s apple juice. To get by Colonel Klink.

I’m sorry, you’re scheduled for one blood test a month and that’s all you’re getting.

Maggie, I went by Andrew’s house last night.

Ah, poker night. How’d you do?

There wasn’t any poker game.

And lemme guess, he wasn’t alone?

See, the rules are there for a reason. Fishing off the company pier anything you catch, you’re gonna have to throw back.

Waste not; want not.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

You know sometimes I question your dedication to our job.

Our job? You’re a receptionist.

You know my goal is to work in Human Resources. That’s where the action is. What’s happening with the Dr. Allen case?

Unfortunately, we are unable to comment on ongoing inquiries.

So, unless you have something new...

Maggie Hollings is dating someone at the hospital.

Do you have any proof?

She admitted it right to my face. Almost.

What about a name?

No.

But you have to look into it.

If you’re going to work in Human Resources, Glenda, you have to understand that gossip isn’t proof. You’re Doctor Allen tape isn’t even holding up.

Then I’ll get proof.

Zis envy you haf for da mens. Eet eez healthy and perfectly natural.

Get out of here!

But I’m here with an idea. Matchmaking in Chicago in winter -- too many layers of clothes. What I’m thinking is by relocating to Club Med, flying south for the winter, all those oiled, nearly naked bodies --

I’m being investigated for my relationship with you, and you’re suggesting we hop a plane to Club Med?

Okay, you can come, too. It’ll be fun! We’ll swim, rub lotion on each other, get a tan, rub lotion on each other, drink Mai-Tais, rub lotion on each other.

Jaclyn! Jaclyn!

You’ll have to pay, though. I’m tap city.

I am not talking to this man because I am being investigated for improper conduct and I don’t want to lose my career.

Can I talk to him?

Let me just say that if I had it all to do over again, I’d avoid him.

You miss me.

He’s a child. He has no understanding of what damage he did by corroborating the charges against me.

I’m sorry.

Did he say...?

Yes.

I’m in Claire withdrawal. Give me a quick fix. Anything! A stinging retort! A withering look!

Oh, yeah. That was good. Diss me again. This time, say something. Slowly.

She misses me, too.

Yeah, she does. Me too.

I DO NOT MISS TREVOR HALE!

The elevator is going down, down...

Down, down, past hardwares, past the bargain basement --

As the elevator approaches the Earth’s core, gravity gets stronger. You’re unable to lift your limbs.

Try to lift your arm.

Good. You trust me. You trust my voice. I’m your friend.

You’re my friend. We played Little League together. We rode bikes together. We indulged in healthy experimentation at Cub Scout Camp --

You see a spiral staircase going down right in front of you.

Like a lighthouse.

As you walk down the staircase, you become younger and younger.

Why does Ganymede get all the nymphs? I’ll show that son of a hydra --

Another step...

Mom and Dad... they’re fighting.

What about?

Whether or not to destroy Atlantis.

Another step...

There’s a rock floor. Stone. Thick.

No, it’s paper. It’s mist. It is your delusion. Listen to me. Take the step.

I -- I can’t. It hurts.

It may be painful, but I want you to step back to before you were a god. Before the delusion.

A girl...

What girl?

She’s leaving. She’s never coming back. My heart... it’s breaking.

What’s her name?

It’s broken. My heart is broken. Can’t take the pain. I have to heal my heart. I have to heal all the broken hearts...

Long day?

Why’s it so cold in here?

I should have that finished soon.

There’s a hole in my wall.

It won’t be a hole for long.

I wanted a closet, over there. On that wall.

Dr. Allen, how seriously would you take it if I told you should start prescribing more lithium to your patients?

As long as we’re drawing analogies, wouldn’t it make you nervous if your psychologist didn’t use modern tools of the profession? If she said, "hold still, let the leech get proper suction."

I don’t need a psychologist.

That remains to be seen. Please, plug something in! A belt sander! A cordless drill! How about an electric hole fixer? Handy for those sub-zero Chicago nights.

Plug in a cordless drill?

It’s freezing. How am I supposed to fall asleep, tonight?

You’re such a big fan of electric devices, can I suggest --

Don’t you dare!

An electric blanket.

An electric blanket. Of course.

I’m sorry. That was my Trevor reflex.

Look, if, when I’m done, you’re not happy with the results, there’ll be no charge. Do your customers get that guarantee?

I don’t have customers. I have patients.

Not nearly enough.

Okay, a complete tour of the house. No sign of a live-in girlfriend.

What happened to your Thursday night poker game?

Is that what this is about? Don in Pharmacy ratted me out, huh? Well, I cancelled it. Would you like to know what I did instead?

I had dinner with the wife of my best friend from college.

I’m sorry to sound so suspicious...

Have I done something to make you mistrust me?

Why haven’t you brought me here before?

You’ve heard about the Cupid Cops, right?

You’re afraid the Cupid Cops will catch us? They’re fictional, like the Boogeyman, a story someone made up to keep us in line.

Maggie, they’re real.

Even if they did exist, why would they watch your apartment any more carefully than mine?

Sometimes my boss drops by.

Tim? He’s a Cupid Cop?

Uh, we both are.

You’re risking your career to see me?

You see why I maybe act a little weird. Especially now.

Why now?

We heard a rumor this morning -- about you.

Any clue as to what mysterious lover I’m supposed to be seeing?

We’re looking into it.

So, with this Cupid Cop job... do you get handcuffs?

How’d Lorna take the news?

Didn’t quite get all the words out.

She told you that you’re the loviest, doviest, most cuddly-wuddly boy-toy in town, and you folded.

No. She told me she got me an audition for a national truck commercial.

That’s when I folded.

Do you like your job, Tim?

Not always. But it’s important.

I love my job. And I love Andrew. Your job is to spoil all that. How is that important?

You better not have called me down here cause you saw a couple people making eyes in the cafeteria.

Here’s your proof that Maggie Hollings is having an affair with employee number 21245.

Two-one-two-four-five?

A case file from Dr. Allen. This is completely illegal.

You wanted proof. Frankly, I was hoping to find something out about Dr. Allen and her lunatic patient. In any case, you didn’t say it had to be legal.

I think about her all day. It’s interfering with my work.

I can’t be honest at work. I can’t do what I’m being paid to do.

How do you feel about what you’re being paid to do?

I don’t know anymore...

All I know is that I love Maggie Hollings.

And right now, that’s all I can think about.

You’re leaving?

Moving on.

I’m gonna miss seeing that poster when I come in here.

A parting gift.

I really hope things work out for you.

He resigned.

That’s good for us.

Get this. We got evidence that he was in love with a hospital employee. I mean desperately in love. He quit before Greeley could fire him.

Well, at least he’s got integrity.

I was her first -- she was mine. We trusted each other with our hearts.

What happened between you?

Even my mom liked her.

Everyone did. So beautiful, innocent. I loved her so much... I wish the pain would go away. I want everyone’s pain to go away...

Tell me her name.

But we were never happier than the time we went to Club Med together. We swam, rubbed lotion on each other, drank Mai-Tais, rubbed lotion on each other... She surprised me with the tickets. Two first class tickets. She knew how the winters make me suffer.

Darts. Now there’s a sharp, pointy thing with a positive purpose. Unlike your damn needles.

Needles don’t poke people; people poke people.

Not often enough, if you ask me. But as long as we’re on the topic, how’s your favorite poker... player.

He’s fun. We’re having a lot of fun. It’s spontaneous, you know... Fun.

I’m picking up fun.

He takes things lightly.

This would be part of the fun...

I want your but.

You want my butt?

It’s a huge "but."

Y’know, when I’m taking your blood, one air bubble in your veins and it’s over.

He’s fun, spontaneous and a laugh riot, BUT, he makes fur coats out of Dalmations. BUT, he likes you to wear a boy scout uniform. BUT, his favorite band is REO Speedwagon.

He’s fun, spontaneous and a laugh riot. But, I don’t think he loves me anymore.

What’s makes you say that?

All the little things have just... stopped. Postcards. Chocolate. Fresh fruit. I have to scrape my own windshield.

Tell him.

See, it’s hard. We never talked about those things. It was sort of our romantic little secret.

So, maybe he thought you didn’t appreciate him. Maybe he’s crying in his beer right now: "I did all these stupid --

Romantic --

Little things and she never said thanks.

I’ll tell him tomorrow.

Tell him tonight.

Interrupt his precious Thursday night poker game?

Hey, it’s just a bunch of guys losing money, right?

Andy, it’s some girl.

Maggie.

When you quit loving me, why didn’t you just say it was over?

I haven’t. Quit loving you, I mean. I know this looks --

It was so obvious. When everything stopped -- the windshield...

What?

And the fruit. The chocolate. The postcards.

Uh...

You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

You’re a grasshopper, Andrew.

What’d she call you?

A grasshopper.

Lorna’s coming up.

Sugar Mama’s here? I’ll clear off a spot on the couch so you two can "work."

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... please stay.

Nope. You’re on your own, son.

I come bearing news.

You heard from the Ford people?

Normally when I’ve got news this good for a client, I like to treat them to a fabulous dinner at Les Deux. But in this case, I’m thinking maybe a quiet celebration here with just you and me and this bottle of Dom Perignon would be a better idea.

I got the spot?

You did. Congratulations.

Let’s go out. We’ll have a great dinner. I’m buying.

I was more thinking we could stay in.

Oh.

Is that all right?

Two bottles. We are celebrating.

We don’t have to drink it all tonight.

Mimosas for breakfast?

Nice surprise, huh?

No one’s done that for me for... oh... how long ago did you quit, Tim?

Nine days ago.

Nine days. Yeah. Weird. That’s how long it’s been since anyone’s scraped my windshield.

I always thought that Starry Night poster was Andrew’s.

Why’d you quit, Tim?

Uh, that’s complicated. Lots of things.

Andrew said something about you being in love with someone at the hospital.

Oh, yeah. Well... there was that.

You already found a new job, huh?

Yeah.

Whaddya say you call in sick. Play hooky. We could get to know each other.

I may not even call in.

We’ll stop at a payphone.

That’d probably be best.

I’m glad you were cleared, but I found it a little insulting that nobody thought we’d ever --

Really? I was mortified that anyone even felt they had to investigate.

It’s a sad state of affairs when a lunatic can get someone fired.

Glenda, it was me who got you fired for stealing a confidential file. If you’re going to break into people’s offices, you should glue those nails on tighter.

I want you to know I’m going to dedicate my life to proving you two are fooling around. Then I’ll get my job back.

Imagine what the bad witch must be like.

I could’ve gotten you fired if I’d wanted.

Trevor... don’t gloat.

Dr. Frechette! I just got the news! They can’t do this can they? Keep us apart? Make me go back to her?

It was always an interim arrangement. I’m glad we made some progress --

She doesn’t understand me the way you do! She makes me work and strive to get better! With you, I just take a nap and have the nicest dreams...

Dreams?

I’m going down the stairs! Down, down, DOWN! I’m a baby! I’m a sperm!

Don’t worry about it, Ian. He’s a tough nut to crack.

He was in the trance. I could tell.

I’m a god, Dr. Frechette. We invented trances so you people could see us, not the other way around.

Now, about Club Med...

The walls have ears, Trevor.

The woman is insatiable, unquenchable, a black hole of sexual desire.

You know, from time to time, I forget that you’re a mental patient. Then you do something that brings it all back into focus.

Really? Like what?

Oh, stuff.