Jaclyn, could you let me know when Trevor gets here? Thanks.

Can’t wait to hear the results of your experiment, huh, Dr. Allen?

It is not an experiment. Not as far as Trevor knows anyway.

I simply suggested he spend a week living like a "mere mortal" -- live an ordinary life: no "mission," no matchmaking.

See how the other half lives?

I told him it’d make good research. Meanwhile I’ve got him acting like a person for a week... Therapist rule of thumb: get the behavior right, the attitudes will follow.

Meaning a guy who thinks he’s Cupid but acts like a regular guy is --

Just a regular guy with a dumb nickname.

I’m writing a book about Trevor’s recovery, Jaclyn. He actually has to recover for me to get past the introduction.

Trevor. Just in time to be ten minutes late... And?

... Normal...

Average. Plain. Run of the mill. Vanilla. No sprinkles... I worked forty hours, I Stair-Mastered, I watched the Thursday night line-up, I went to the supermarket, forgot the yogurt, went back -- I listened to Hootie...

And?

How do you people live like that?

You mean living a normal life.

So, you find it hard to exist without a divine mandate?

How can anyone be expected to get up in the morning without a raison d’être? A higher calling! A personal quest --

I get it --

A grand design, a lofty aspiration!

A thesaurus. Alright, alright.

Truth is, I should thank you.

Really. Go for it.

Yeah, your experiment gave me a whole new appreciation for my punishment. Now if the other gods chucked me down here without making me match a hundred couples -- just a couple months of purposeless purgatory... Yeesh -- then what?

Then you might never have gotten arrested even once.

He-heh. Don’t be so sure.

I want to hear more about this...

I think she wants you to go in with her.

I don’t say yes to every girl that invites me on her couch.

Choosy, are you? Only go for goddesses?

I have been known to get sidetracked by the occasional water nymph.

Some of us do find meaning in smaller, more reality-based ideals, Trevor. Work, family, religion, education...

All’s I can say is, thank god I’m a god. To be mortal in this day and age?

Things are different now than they, "used to be?"

Sure. Back in ancient Greece, people’s lives had purpose. You farmed all day so you could eat. Now you have these meaningless, unexplainable jobs -- consultant, assistant manager, freelancer -- what the hell is a Comptroller anyway?

Lifespans have increased. For the first time in human history there’s more to life than simply not dying. People are just trying to get the most out of life.

The most of the least important. You guys finally figure out how to live longer and how do you use the time? You eat low-fat foods, you watch more TV, you work harder on stupider jobs, you read Grisham.

The ancients spent their lives in fear of losing what little they had. Your generation lives in fear of standing out!

Fear the norm, people! Surpass!

Like that? Inspirational, huh? Bet if Morgan Freeman said all that in a movie, half the crowd’d get up and start painting or writing novels or something.

Kind of spoils the effect when you grandstand.

Oh. Hmm. Can I do it again?

"Fear the norm, people! Surpass!"

He left for real this time.

Most delusions, I believe, follow a principle of escapism. Trevor Hale’s delusions of being the god Cupid follow that principle utterly. The question I have wrestled with for these months is:

What, exactly, is Trevor so desperately trying to escape? His life? His time? His own mortality?

... Bad coffee.

Bad progress.

Champ, coffee?

In a minute.

Lorna?

... Um, no thanks.

Not a word.

From me? Never.

Always.

Just because you’re sleeping with the casting director who got you your first national commercial you expect I’ll have some wise ass crack to make?

Fair guess. So does the scotch-guard on her casting couch chafe your butt? When she sends you to auditions does she call up and say, "Best client I ever had -- always willing to go the extra mile."

Fine, you got it all out. Now please try not to embarrass me.

... Much.

... More than you have to.

No problem.

Morning sunshine.

Morning. Sorry, no time for coffee, I’m already late -- "Sunset and Vaughn" is whining for more gritty, yet attractive late-twenties males. They’ve used up all the Chicago cheesecake, I might have to fly in from New York.

Ta!

Not a word.

Not a one. Besides I’ve got more problems than having a boy-toy for a roommate.

Watch it.

I have been! And look, it’s pathetic. I hooked up three couples last month alone and see? Not one of them took.

You so owe me! Three! Okay at least two. Fine, one. Harry and Julia? You can’t deny me that one!

Which one?

In his efforts to escape reality, Trevor has devised some rather elegant methods for coupling. For example, the technique he calls "video pairing."

See it yet?

Never thought it’d be my kind of flick.

What’s not to like? Boy meets girl, boy helps girl cheat on husband, girl croaks in a cave, boy ends up looking like a potato knish.

Breaks your heart.

Last copy. You’ll love it.

See it yet?

See? As much as I could through all the cryin’. That movie was like a shot of lemon juice, right in the eyes.

Think it’s time for another shot?

Oh, none left. Too bad... Maybe they rent lemons.

Hey buddy. Hear that? The gal you been staring at since she walked in -- she’s lookin’ for what you gots.

Yeah, so?

Don’t you watch "Profiler"? Slightly younger, carefully coiffured Southern hair, no ring, no boyfriend trying to convince her to rent "Die Hard," no hopes but to sit home and watch a long, romantic movie solo.

Aw hell, why don’t I just mosey on up’n ask her if I should come on over and watch this at her place.

Are you -- people come here, they don’t wanna be bothered.

You think people come here for movies? Are you kidding? This is where all the other single people are! And everyone comes here hoping to high heaven that someone’ll do the unthinkable, introduce themselves, and make it so they never ever have to come here again.

You really think it’d work? Intruding like that?

Saw a lady in half, they call you a cheap magician -- saw a baby in half, they call you a biblical legend... It’s all about context.

Just give it a shot.

It’s amazing. It isn’t that strangers don’t doubt Trevor...

They just listen to him anyway.

Beautiful! She comes in, the sultry, aging debutante. And who spots her but Walker, Texas Lawyer. They take the bait and hoochie-laka-boom! Didn’t even watch the movie, stayed up all night "talking."

Good for you.

Not good for me -- it doesn’t get good for me unless a bead moves.

Is that all it takes?

There. Three up, three down. You’re that much closer to getting out of my life.

Wha -- I -- Did you just? No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Okay someone needs a time out.

Those are sacred, heathen! My one souvenir from Olympus, my only way of knowing how close I am to getting home.

No one touches these unless they’re god of something better than agent boffing!

Fine. Geez...

Sacred...

Profane. Get it? Thou shalt not touch! I mean it! If I ever catch you touching those again, I’ll --

You’ll what?

Let’s just say I might do something really gross to your toothbrush. But then again, I might not.

"Gee, there’s this itch on my butt I can just never reach. If only I had a short stick with firm but yielding bristles. "

Insisting he is from simpler, more trusting times, Trevor also insists on pressing his services upon complete strangers, charming them into doing his -- though ultimately their own -- bidding.

Howdy... Don’t mean to bother you here. Not too much anyway.

Okay, thing is, I can help you --

See, you look down, a little lonely. Truth is you look like a borrowed piece of gum.

I can tell, I’m kinda plugged into the collective unconscious on these things --

No-no-no, don’t sweat it -- I’m not hitting on you.

Promise. Sit back down... It’s just I’ve got the skinny on a great guy --

Girl for you. Just perfect --

He’s a doctor --

A real ladies man --

Or is it man’s man? Which is the one that means he’s sweet on girls? Anyway, his name is --

Rick. He’s a technical writer for a software firm, earthy, loves kids, avid jogger...

Lives in my building -- and we’ve got a highly selective co-op board. Here’s a snapshot.

Listen, he sounds great.

He looks great -- but you can’t blame me for being skeptical and all. I mean, who are you?

Me? I’m the gift-horse. Wanna look?

Hillary, relax. This is like a hobby of mine. And I’m damn good at it -- proof’s in the tapioca. Check it out. See that?

That is Tina. Went to a single’s group for months until I came along, had her whip up a sketch of her fantasy man, then hung it proud ’til we found him for her...

So wudduya say? Will you be mine, won’t you be mine, won’t you meet my neighbor?

And, remarkably, time after time...

Okay.

People welcome him right on in.

Okay Rick, you tried not to give me any details -- duly noted in the sensitive guy statistics. Now out with it.

What do you want? Hillary’s great.

On a scale of fair to great, or great to magnificent?

How’s this: We’ve been on two dates, and I couldn’t sleep after either of them --

And she never even came upstairs.

You really seem to love that... thing.

Oh yeah. Colin’s my baby.

Huh... He a slobber dog?

What’s wrong with a little doggy slobber?

Not nearly as much as there is with what you’re doing.

Let’s just say that on the scale of cat people versus dog people, I’m more of a goldfish kinda guy. More importantly, you and Hillary, so you haven’t um...

... Not yet. Thinkin’ about it though.

Well thinking won’t stain any furniture.

How ’bout making her dinner?

I think she’d be more impressed with food she can eat.

You miss my point. Nota benne: a man invites a woman over for dinner, it’s actually code for, "Listen, I’m going to try to hump you this evening." And if the woman agrees, that’s code for, "Wonderful, yes I’d like that." Subtext -- neat stuff.

Ironically, though he claims to be from another, more sensible era, Trevor navigates the romantic byways of this one with... well, Cupid-like alacrity.

I was wondering if you could do that a little louder.

Not getting the full effect yet?

Better?

Most carpenters don’t charge by the hour.

If you weren’t very good at your job...

If I wasn’t very good at my job, I wouldn’t be doing it.

Try to keep it a smidge less bangy, okay?

Okay.

Hello.

Claire, it’s Josie. Have a sec?

Of course I have a sec. How many sisters do I have?

Technically, two.

What’s up?

Just some news. Remember that project Scott and I have been working on?

The kitchen? Did the cabinets come in? If they didn’t I know a great carpenter.

The other project...

Claire, I’m pregnant.

Eeeek! You are? Jos, that’s wonderful! Ohmigod, when... Uh-huh? You’ll be huge for Dad’s birthday... Oh, then call me back when you have more time. Love you.

She’s pregnant?

Yup.

Eek.

Hi, this is Alex -- I’m not going to be near my phone ‘til Thursday, so leave a message and hope for the best.

Hi Alex, it’s me... Claire. I have some news. Call me when you can.

I like your place.

It’s not much. All my furniture is either early college or late relative. Just enough for the two of us.

I didn’t know you had a roommate.

That’s right, you haven’t met Colin yet... C’mere boy.

Colin, meet Hillary. We like her.

AH-CHOO! I didn’t know you had a--CHOO!!

You’re allergic?

Beyond aller -- AH-CHOO!

I can’t get ne -- CHOO! I’m sorry, I’ve gotta -- CHOO! I’ll call you.

Because he idealizes a pre-industrial age, there are certain problems that Trevor -- his considerable intelligence notwithstanding -- is simply not equipped to handle.

C’mon, Harry. I’ve got an inside track -- if it was going well, I’d know. What’s up with you two?

Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s... fine. Really. I promise.

Oh, not too much protesting there. Sorry, I’m sensing a whole lotta doth.

Well, there is kind of a problem.

Okay. Problems are my specialty.

I’m a little old fashioned about these things -- this isn’t easy for me to talk about.

I’ll be gentle. Just tell me.

It started the first time we... uh --

Wa-booed.

Yeah.

That was...

Yeah.

But you didn’t... uh...

No. But don’t worry. I’m fine.

Fine? Can’t leave you fine. Tell me what you like -- I’ll do anything.

Well... You sure?

Positive.

Oh, can you hand me the remote control -- I keep leaving the batteries in there.

It’s been the same every time.

Every time?

She said that’s the only way she ever...

Oh god.

Achieves...

And only with the...

Blender on frappé, got it...

The worst part is when that drawer opens, it makes this awful thunking sound. Every time I hear that "thunk" I feel like a little less of a man... To know I can’t do what a little piece of plastic can...

It’s just a toy, Harry. Like a Furbie.

A real romantic one too. "Thanks, that was a wonderful, tender moment, mind if I plug this in now?"

It’s not funny.

Well, it’s kinda funny... C’mon, there are worse problems, right?

Can you imagine what it’s like to know that you’re not able to pleasure the woman you care about most?

Did she say anything? About why... the blender?

I spent my first marriage liking sex -- not loving it, liking it... My husband loved it, I liked it. It made me feel close to him... Still, with him, with anyone, I never got to that... that place...

But if I can’t take you there...

Oh Harry, don’t -- it’s not your fault. It’s just the way I’m built...

Some women are analogue, I’m digital.

Used to be I’d look at Julia and all I could think about was retiring on a ranch somewhere and living a long, lazy life with her. Now I look at her and all I can think about it that buzzing sound.

While Trevor’s problems usually focus on getting couples together, more and more often, his challenge has become keeping couples together despite a very resistant, very new world.

I’m tellin’ you, there is no reason why that couple shouldn’t happily-ever-after.

That’s a verb now?

Apparently. But no, modern technology has to go and make a piece of moulding capable of twenty-thousand RPMs more than the human pelvis. Man, people have gotten so off track.

Not off track. We just have different tracks now.

This from a woman who’s boyfriend lives a thousand miles away and thinks it’s okay because they both have e-mail.

The sacrifices of a long distance relationship are simply part of the modern predicament. And I have to say, I don’t mind having the space.

Yeah, well I’ve got one guy who’s going to have all the space in the world because of an appliance. And another because of a dog. A dog! Do you know what canines were to the Greeks?

Please don’t.

Transportation and food.

That’s actually better than what I thought you were going to say.

If they weren’t pulling carriages, they were walking meat freezers. Fresh steaks you didn’t even have to lug around.

But you modern day-and-agers go and treat ’em like family. You put off having kids, get a puppy and call that intimacy.

For all his insight, Trevor is hardest to reach when he’s on a roll --

Then one day you get a shot at a real relationship, you say, "Sorry, but I’ve already got Sparky here."

Although I must admit, he does force me to keep on my toes.

Pets aren’t always substitutes for intimacy, Trevor --

They can be important learning tools, teaching key relationship tasks.

Like responsibility, trust...

Grooming. Most guys could use the lesson.

Oh, and feeding. You need to learn how to pick the right restaurants.

I could get you and me a reservation at a great place... Chez Nick... In’erested?

Did anyone say "neutering" yet?

Tina? What are you doing here? Sign says, singles group. You and Allan are supposed to be galloping off into sunsets and castles.

I know. I know...

What happened?

He dumped me...

Things were going so good. For the first time in my life, I was really, really happy. I was sure this was-- you know... And then he cut me off, totally out of the blue.

Oh, I’m so sorry.

But, what’d he say?

That’s the worst part... nothing. He just said, "I think we should stop seeing each other." And then he left.

It’s a blessing. A guy does that to you, he’s not saying, "I think we should break up." He saying, "Honey, I’ve got issues."

Baggage... Big time.

It’s like you’re saying, "Hey let’s take a trip to Paris," and he’s saying, "Great! I’ve got these!"

You’re lucky you got out now.

I know. I just wish I knew why...

And I was going to let him take me skiing.

Hey, it’s okay, we’ll take you skiing.

It’s not that. I’ve never been skiing before -- I was saving it for marriage.

Skiing?

I’ve done everything else you can do, with a guy, this was all I had left.

She okay?

She’s fine!

Dammit! Too bleepin’ complicated!

What’s your problem?

Eh, modernity. You going to Lorna’s...? Time to make the donuts, huh.

Time to make the donuts...

If it ain’t right, run far, run fast...

That’s the worst part. It might be right, I can’t even tell. I mean, when she got me the Ford spot, I felt like I couldn’t say no to her...

Even if you wanted to.

Like I owed her in exchange.

Tit for that? Tell you what, I’ll trade you troubles. You do some relationship troubleshooting for me, I’ll handle the casting couch.

Not a chance. But a word of advice: "If they ain’t right, run far, run fast."

Never!

With Tina and Allan dissolved, Trevor was determined to salvage what he could, where he could. And using the only means at his disposal.

I’m telling you, Harry, you combine sex therapy texts, tasteful porn, and an anatomy primer... and you can beat the blender.

Trevor, I don’t know...

Yes you do. The only way to defeat the modern world is to use its strongest weapon against itself: technology.

Don’t give up hope. We shall overcome -- know why?

Not exactly. No.

Because this is the stuff of legends. Like a modern version of that story -- wussis name? The guy with the iron hammer?

John Henry.

Him. His trusty ol’ nine pound sledge against the Man’s fancy new steam drill. Everyone said he couldn’t do it. But he went ahead -- a lone man against the mechanized world. And he won!

Didn’t he die doing it?

Yeah but, what a way to go... Think about it: that could be you, wielding god’s own hammer against the blender. Do it man -- rage against the machine!

What is it?

Anti-everythings. One of each Psuedophedrine, loratadine, terfenadine --

sniffle-alazine hydrochloride... You allergic to all pets?

Yes, but it’s mostly dander.

Thought we’d focus on the Western medicine, but I threw in some homeopathic hoodoo for good measure -- the literature is a little sketchy, but some people swear by it.

Okay. It’s a little scary -- if I’d been born before someone invented the inhaler, I wouldn’t’ve made it to age ten.

Chamomile, eye bright, nettle, sepa, red onion, ground loofah, sabadilla seed...

Start taking. We’ll see you at four. And don’t worry -- we’ll beat this steam engine.

Unfortunately, when someone’s hopes are so high, it’s hard for them to tell when they’re falling.

Alex? It’s you.

It’s me.

I was starting to think all the phones in New York were out.

Just stopped in for a shower and change -- work’s been nuts. What’s up?

My sister. She’s pregnant.

Oh. That’s swell. Great.

Yeah... Great.

What? Claire, what’s wrong? Or did I just ask a dumb question.

You didn’t even ask me which sister.

Okay, which sister?

Was that another dumb question? Look, I’m sorry, Claire.

So am I. I’m sorry I have to hunt you down just to talk to you. You’re supposed to be the first one I tell everything too, who I can get excited with -- whether it’s over my sister being pregnant, or my work, or a new bar of soap.

Claire, I -- I’m sorry I’ve been busy.

Don’t be sorry. Maybe that’s the way it’s got to be. Maybe I should get used to minimizing your role in my life... Good night Alex.

If Hercules cleaned the Augean Stables in the name of penitence, Trevor felt he should at least be able to disinfect an apartment in the name of love...

This is my worst nightmare: I finally meet the perfect girl and she’s allergic to my best friend.

Maybe you should find friends with less fur.

You’ve never had a pet, have you?

Did know one dog. Bit of a temperament.

Understandable, he had three heads.

I got Colin when I was in my lonely post-college social slump. He kept me company until I got my life together.

Thar she blows.

Are you sure about...

Fret not, I put Hillary on so many things with "ephizene" and "assotate" in it, she should be coated in gelatine and swallowed.

And if this works out, I suggest you try that one out.

I’m ready. A little drowsy, but ready. Is the field decontaminated?

We’ve been kamikaze cleaning all morning. There is no dust, hair, air, allergen or sneezergen left in that place that I didn’t personally rinse out in sudafed.

I’m allergic to sudafed.

Kidding, kidding.

Well...

I think we’re okay.

This is why you listen to momma when she tells you to clean your room!

Your eyes, are they tearing?

No. I’m fine. I think the sepa’s kicking in.

Sure you don’t want a quick acupuncture?

Really, I think we’re okay.

AH --

Your therapist?! You broke up with your soulmate because your therapist said so!

Order up, table six.

You’re passing up a lifetime as the man of Tina’s dreams because some bull-shyster told you to!

Overly simplified... yes.

Allan, but -- you -- a shrink! A psycho-therapist! Some masters-level flake!

Dr. Klein’s a psychiatrist, he has an MD.

And he was such a promising young doctor that he turned to the only medical field with less scientific grounding than the Nielsen ratings.

Order up, table nineteen.

Shrinks didn’t even exist until ninety years ago. You know who people listened to before then? Their mothers! Call your mother, see what she says.

I did, she said, "Listen to your analyst."

I talked to Dr. Klein about this for a long time. A long time. And what he said made sense: I’m just not ready yet.

You are nuts! Insane. Maybe I should recommend a good therapist.

Very funny. I’m sorry.

Of all the things Trevor does well, and there are many, he never has gotten the hang of losing.

Dr. Allen?

You got a telegram.

Telegram? Who from?

Alex DeMouy. Retro boyfriend -- cool.

Read it.

Don’t you want to yourself?

Not particularly. You go ahead.

"Tired of talking to you on the phone. Stop. Am an insensitive schmuck. Stop. Feel awful and want to make the pain in my heart. Stop." Uh, I love him. "Taking eight PM flight to Chicago flying non --

"Stop."

"Be in by ten. Stop. Leaving in morning so have night free. Stop. All my love Alex."

Stop.

Hang on a sec.

Something wrong?

Nothing’s wrong. Let’s just take a sec. Slow down... Talk. We never do that.

Okay. Let’s talk. "Mrs. Robinson, do you like art?"

I’m serious.

Okay, fine...

Let’s talk about your career. Where do you see your career going?

Now that I’ve made a few bucks doing commercials and cop shows, I’m really hoping to get back into theater. Real theater. The serious, risky kinda stuff I told myself was the reason I was doing...

Commercials and cops shows.

Yeah. Like that company that’s doing "Peer Gynt"-- cover to cover. Same way --

Same way the Royal Shakespeare Company did. I love Ibsen. You should totally go for that.

You think?

Absolutely...

Wait, I thought we were talking. We never talk.

Wow. That was all very... new.

You liked it?

Oh yeah.

Um. You didn’t seem too...

Well, no. Not really.

Not even when I...

... No...

Analogue...

Not that I didn’t like it. It was great! Wow.

But not enough.

Oh, sorry. Let me get the batteries out.

Um, I have company coming in an hour.

I know.

Will you... still be here?

Not likely.

You look perfect.

Excuse me?

In case you were wondering. You look perfect.

Wu -- thank you... You don’t think I should go with the red one?

Can’t wear colors when it’s gray outside.

Is it... I mean, gray outside?

Can’t fight the weather. And you can’t improve upon perfection.

Thank you.

What’s for dinner?

Seared ahi, soy ginger glaze. And... something else... with lemongrass.

Pan Asian.

Lucky man.

I have to get that. The phone. It’s ringing. Like last time.

I understand.

Hi, Alex?

Where are you...? A storm delay?

You can still get here by midnight... Well, six hours of travel for five hours together... I guess...

No, maybe you shouldn’t bother then.

I understand. Come when you can spend more time. Maybe next -- oh no, I’m okay. I just made dinner is all... No, I didn’t go out of my way...

Not at all. We’ll talk tomorrow... Bye.

Sorry to bother you. But I’m done for tonight. You have yourself a nice evening, Claire.

Frank?

Yes.

You’re not a vegetarian, are you?

Even after all the --

I tol’ her I felt like I was in a competition. She was in the middle of tellin’ me ’sno big deal when I took off... Can’t say it was my finest hour.

Can’t force what the gods don’t wanna see, Harry. Time to move on.

You can getcher fancy stuff, but for a good sulk, you can’t beat the supermarket specials. He burps. Trevor grunts.

I like this. Now I know what I missed not going to college. ’Sides, that whole fraternity thing -- they borrow our alphabet and suddenly they’re Greek?

Bastards.

I misser man.

I know ya do.

Me too -- BURP -- diff’ernt her tho’.

Harry?

Yeah-up.

You ever gotten in trouble for somethin’ and you were sure you didn’t do it?

M’dad says I can’t hol’ my beer.

But then you find out maybe you did deserve it -- maybe just a little bit.

S’pose.

I got in trouble with... my family. They thought I was blowin’ off my responsibilities, threw me out, said I had to learn my lesson. I thought they were nuts. But I been looking lately, at what I was supposed to be taking care of... And it’s a mess. A god awful mess.

Nothin’s the way it should be... And I’m thinkin’ maybe I did screw things up.

Just a little bit.

First step man. Admitting you have a problem -- tha’sa big first step.

Wussa second?

Get some help.

Your family was rather biblical: the eldest brother inherits the family trade.

But Uncle Aldo knew my brother didn’t have hands for it. Fred has the soul of a woodsman, but the hands of a tax lawyer.

That put you in the shop.

Right where I wanted to be.

Thank you for having me join you.

Well, ahi doesn’t quite keep...

That was a very sweet gift. Before. That you left. Thank you.

My pleasure.

And even Frank feels a slight embarrassment for a moment. He looks to his glass, focuses.

It’s a nice wine you picked -- I prefer the Chileans. When I was sixteen, Freddy was already in college, my Uncle took me to Chile with him for Christmas, he said to see where his wife had been born. But then he brought me to this winery, a small thing, family owned, in Lontué valley, where they still make all their wine by hand.

They pick by hand, carry by hand, press by hand and foot, pour by hand into barrels cut by hand. To this day. Marvelous. The only mechanical process they have is when the trucks come to pick up the bottles... Seeing that... I still think that was the whole reason Uncle Aldo took me down there.

What is it?

I -- I’d just thought of you as, you know, "man of few words."

I’ve never been there -- I’ve always wanted to go. I made it to Costa Rica with a boyfriend once, but we went the hotel route.

Nothing wrong with creature comforts. As long as they still feel like luxuries -- it’s when you get too used to them.

You just cracked walnuts, in your hand.

Not hard. Anyone can do it.

Anyone who works with his hands all day. For me, changing the paper in my fax is a workout.

It’s not the hand strength, it’s the leverage. C’mere...

Use the hardness of one shell against the other. Jujitsu principle.

Just squeeze?

Don’t squeeze so much as turn.

It’s not working.

I suppose not.

I thought you said anyone could --

Hey, Claire-bear, door was opened. Thought I’d pop in -- matching’s gettin’ a wee wiggy and I could really use some--

... Help.

Describing the god Cupid, Plato once said that because he is so passionate he "is constantly in a state between wisdom and ignorance." It is my experience that Trevor often favors the latter.

Oh me, oh my. I don’t even know where to start.

Then let me suggest with your exit.

Oh, here it comes. Trevor, just try not to embarrass me.

... Much.

... More than you have to.

Have you been talking to Champ? Now be polite and introduce me to your date.

He’s not my date, he’s my carpenter.

Carpenter... This some kinda midnight armoire crisis? Got a splinter in your ottoman? He gonna pull it out with his huge, throbbing pliers.

So, Carpenter... Isn’t she a snip too bourgeois for you?

I think I have to object to this relationship, purely on Marxist terms.

Never did make it through "Das Capital."

Did she tell you about her boyfriend? He’s got really cool hair. It won him a Pulitzer.

Okay, it’s time to leave.

Don’t go yet, I came here to talk to you.

Surprisingly, what you came here for is not high on my priority list right now.

Didn’t make the cut? Got bumped for higher end items like sanding, maybe getting a good varnish.

She could use a good varnish.

Maybe I should go.

Wait, I haven’t even asked you about your adz. I bet you got a great one. A great big adz.

Look what you did.

Ta da.

Frank, please. You’re an invited guest. Unlike some.

Frank? His name is Frank? I love it. You got a plumber named Phil too?

Whoa... Batman.

I know, the gall of him. Didn’t even thank you for dinner... So I interrupted your flirt session.

That was not flirting.

The way you two were were holding hands -- in "Barbarella" that counted as sex.

And even if I was flirting, what business do you have telling me not to?

What about Alex?

What about him? You’re the one who said, "Surpass, surpass!"

Not at the expense of betrayal.

Suddenly you’re on his side.

Call it devil’s advocate. Besides, I set you and Alex up -- I have a professional concern.

It was just a dinner, Trevor. One that I made for Alex, but he wasn’t here to share.

I thought the sacrifices of a long distance relationship were simply part of the modern predicament.

Look, I came here because I need help and you’re the closest thing to a rational person I’ve met since I was slapped down to this zoo.

This is actually good.

Just so you know, that was zero-for-two on the successful compliments.

I’m going out of my mind trying to help these people, but they don’t even seem to want it.

Not wanting you around. Hmm... not sure I can identify.

Used to be everyone wanted love. Now they say they want it and then run away when it’s right there. And for what? For pets? Or sex toys, or therapists!

People have problems, you have to respect that.

Problems? Tuberculosis was a problem! Small pox, the potato famine, the Huns raping your cattle, those were problems!

What can I tell you? People often fear having the things they idealize.

Why’d they do that?

I don’t know. Maybe because then they’d have nothing to look forward to.

Yeah, well I wanna go home. I really do. And I’m tired of looking forward to it.

What are you going to do?

Whatever I have to to get there.

The one thing about Trevor, as much as his persistence is a nuisance, it is also a marvel.

Why aren’t you ready?

What do you mean?

You said your therapist convinced you to dump Tina because you weren’t ready yet. I wanna know why you aren’t ready.

It all comes down to trust. You can’t really be with someone until you trust them. Enough to tell them everything.

Is there something you haven’t told her?

So, you’ll tell her. Whatever it is, you’ll tell her, she’ll understand, everyone’s happy.

I wish it were that easy.

How bad could it be? Hidden wife? Gay? Murder rap? Terminal illness? Gay?

No, it’s -- never mind.

Nuh-uh. Don’t "never mind" me on this. I found you your lady love -- if you know of any reason why you two should not be joined in holy mattress-moaning, speak now.

... As hard as it is, we should welcome change. No matter how much we revel in the comfort of the status quo, we can’t expect anything to stay --

Tina. The principal needs to see you in the hallway. Now.

Where did you get his face from?

When you sketched your perfect man, before the Valentine’s dance, you drew Allan. Where did you get the image.

I -- I made it up.

Tina, the future of your future depends on you being honest with me. Honest as in truthful. Now...

How did his face get into your head?

I’m so happy for you two.

Thanks Claire.

Eloping! Have you ever heard of anything more romantic?

I once knew a girl who’s fiancé actually married her in public.

Quit it.

Easy there. That’s going to be my wife in a couple hours.

My baby’s all grown up.

Say hi to Reno for me.

Reno? I thought it was Vegas.

We were gonna go to Vegas, but we wanted to be near Tahoe.

He’s taking me skiing.

Where no man has gone before...

I used to like them so much.

Can’t you be happy for her?

Okay, spill it. What did you say to him, to make him change his mind?

... Nothin’.

Trevor, what are you -- turn that off!

Tina had a little collection... Seems he needed the money to get through college. Couyldn

Allan?

One down...

Still miserable without her?

How do you feel about visitation rights?

Oh, hi Lorna.

Hiya.

Hi. Come on in. Kick off your shoes.

Had the most boring, boring day today. I spent four hours re-alphabetizing head shots because my gorgeous Portuguese assistant still hasn’t gotten past "L-M-N-O" in her English primer. How’s my Champ?

Oh, what’s wrong sweetie?

You sent Chris Templeman in for the part of Peer Gynt. And he got it.

I know, won’t he be great?

I wanted that part, you knew that. And you recommended someone else?

Okay, A) the part is excruciatingly long, and you hate delivering any speech longer than six lines. And B) --

Forget B. You said I should go for the part.

That doesn’t mean I have to put you up for it. I didn’t think you were right.

You thought I was "right enough" to get me the Ford spot.

You were right for that. Champ. And that was the only reason you got it.

I didn’t mean --

Yes you did... "Get you" the spot. You thought that’s what this was about -- I stuff your resume so long as you stuff me? I’m a modern woman, buddy, but not that modern.

You know, and the worst part is, I really liked you.

Keep the shoes. "You’ve earned them."

While some elements of the modern world are surmountable, others even Trevor will concede to. Not that he dwells on it.

Oh no, no moping on my watch, Harry. It’s time to move on. And no better place to feed than the hand that bit you.

Not right now thanks. I’m still recovering -- all I want to do is curl up with a movie and eat my candy and pretend I’m not too shallow to date.

Still haven’t seen it.

Aren’t you from back-in-the-saddle country? We gotta keep at it, find you a new, less electronically dependent woman. A sexual Luddite.

Hey, what movie you got there?

"Lawrence of Arabia. " The new DVD just came out. I’ve seen it before, but... ya’ just can’t beat digital, can you.

No, you can’t. I’m sorry, Trevor, I gotta go.

Still, for all his insights, even Trevor is pleasantly surprised sometimes.

Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to bother you here... Not too much anyway. Thing is, I believe I can help you --

See, you look a little lonely. Truth is you look like a borrowed piece of gum...

Just put some put some music on, okay? The buzzing gets distracting.

Although you should know, as charmed as Trevor’s matches seem to be, not all of them are immune to failure...

Alex. What are you doing here? Where’s your bag?

No bag. My flight back leaves in an hour.

Six hours of travel time for one hour here? Why?

Because I owe you this conversation. And I owe it to you to have it in person.

Now I really wish I’d rehearsed something...

I know you were hurt that I didn’t come the other night. That wasn’t okay, of me.

I’m glad you see that.

I do. And I’m sorry...

I made you some promises that were going to make our being apart work. I haven’t kept them.

No, you haven’t.

And I don’t think I’ll get any better at it.

This isn’t making me feel any better, Alex.

That’s the problem. I haven’t been making you feel any better since I left. Worse, I’ve hurt you... I can’t let myself keep doing that.

You want -- you want to break up?

No. Not at all.

But I can’t hold you back, not when you could be finding someone who could make you happier than I am... I care about you too much, Claire, to keep you. From exploring something that might be better. Or someone.

Alex I --

Sh... If you say a word all this bravado will fall apart.

I have to go.

And so, our Cupid proves to be an appropriate present day analogy for that most elusive emotion: love. Like love, he is demanding, nostalgic, obnoxious, and unstoppable.

How’s your casting situation.

What casting situation?

I see.

How’s your bead situation?

Better.

Oh yeah, so this is our new roommate?

Yup.

Hope he’s cleaner than you.

... And like love, he comes crashing into your life when you least want or expect it and demands your full attention.

Like him?

Aww, what a cutie. Is he yours?

Colin, nah. Just dog-sitting until some new antihistamines hit the market.

Yeah, he’s a chick magnet. I’m thinking of renting him out to the goober guys in your group. Help offset the cost of puppy chow. Little freeloader.

I’m glad you got a dog.

Think I needed more fur clinging to my clothes?

I think you need not to be alone so much. And now you know there’s always someone out there who remembers you at your best.

I guess it’s good to know you’ve got someone around. For when you need ’em.

Yeah, I’d hate to have to barge in on someone in the middle of the night.

You think the fuzzball gives your caliber of advice? Hey, Colin, how do I get Champ and his girlyfriend back together?

See? Nothing...

A’right, time for walkies... Kid thinks he’s too good for the john. C’mon.

And despite the changing times, Trevor, like love, endures. And despite all our rationale, all our fashionable attempts at detachment, we submit to their charms and their passions, and allow our lives to be swept into the current.